Team Fortress 2: R&D
by Red5T65
Summary: It's a new class fic! (Like we don't have enough of those) But unlike all the one's I've seen, this one has not one, but TWO new classes! Hint: Their initials are in the title. Rated T because this is TF2, though may bump up to M if necessary.
1. Prologue

**A/N: So this sprang from an objectively awesome title, because in a game all about classes, declassification must be interesting. Also, since weapons are so important, I thought, why not have someone be able to switch them around? I don't own TF2, that would be Valve.**

* * *

Rachel Jenson ran a successful business as a New Jersey arms dealer. She'd pick up guns from some, and redistribute them to others, at a rather hefty markup. But hey, they were cheaper than Mann Co. So no one cared. But what most people _didn't_ know is that she had help. Her roommate in college before they dropped out was Dahlia Capisi, a native New Yorker with some _interesting_ relatives. (They were a mob family) She was routinely sent out to steal guns off people and send them back to her house, but frequently, she just shipped them off to Rachel. However, at some point she stole a Mann Co. shipment. And that never ended well.

One day, Rachel was minding her own business, when a woman in a purple dress shirt and darker purple skirt walked in. "Hello? How can I help you?" The woman cleared her throat, and pulled out a clipboard. Then she said, "I'm Ms. Pauling, here on behalf of the Administrator of Team Fortress Industries, the parent company of Mann Co." Rachel cocked her head, slightly confused. "And that involves me because…" Ms. Pauling looked down at her clipboard. "You have been found harboring illegally obtained Mann Co. products. Care to explain?" Rachel stared. "What!? Dammit Dahlia…" Ms. Pauling looked at her. "Who is this 'Dahlia' you just spoke of?" Rachel clapped her hands over her mouth. "Uh… no one…" Ms. Pauling glared. "Answer me." Rachel, now very scared (she had heard rumors about what Team Fortress Industries did to people who didn't follow orders) responded, "Dahlia Capisi, my old college roommate and supplier. She must've grabbed the shipment by mistake and sent it. Want me to get her?" Ms. Pauling nodded. "That would be great. Now, the Administrator sent me here not to punish you, but to give you a chance. A new job. The both of you, actually." Rachel nodded, but then leaned in close. "And what am I gonna be doing?" Ms. Pauling ignored the invasion of personal space, and said, "You'll be mercenaries. We've already got classes filled out. Is Dahlia on her way?" Rachel nodded. "She's coming in with my next load… now." "Hey girl! Who's this?" Rachel explained, and then Dahlia nodded. "So you want us to come with? How much you paying us?" Ms. Pauling replied, "Depends on your performance. So are you two taking it?" They both nodded excitedly. She smiled. "Good. Just sign here and we'll be off." With that, the two were hired, packed (rather quickly, Ms. Pauling noted) and set off for the Badlands on a private plane lent by Team Fortress Industries' Mann Co. Division.

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 **A/N: There's your introduction to the two recruits. I'd like to hear how you think the mercs will react in your reviews!**


	2. An Important Announcement

**A/N: The mercs are now going to find out about the new recruits! What will their responses be to this information? I don't own TF2, that's Valve.**

It was mid morning at the water treatment plant known only as Swiftwater, and BLU was having a rough time. They always did at this place, considering the major chokepoint that was the third point. However, a well timed ubercharge had broken RED's defenses, and the BLU Demo could already see RED's engineer scurrying back inside the spawn. "Go build more of your little guns! I'll shove everyone of 'em up your arse!" He fired a few grenades at the open door, blowing up the RED Heavy as he ran out. But by then the point had been captured, and before long, BLU had won the day, leaving a massive hole in the middle of a septic tank.

As RED gathered at the train station to go back to base, the speakers activated. "Good work, BLU team. You did well today. As for you, RED… disappointing. But worry not. Two new recruits will be arriving tomorrow. I want everyone to be at 2Fort when they get there. Understood?" There was a murmur of affirmatives, and the administrator spoke once more. "Good. These trains will take you directly there. Good day, gentlemen." With that, the speakers crackled, and the mercs shuffled onboard, wondering what would happen.

On the RED train…  
Scout spoke first. "I wonder if the new recruits are chicks. If they are, Imma show 'em around the place, give them a-" *SMACK!* "OW! What the hell, Spy!" Spy said nothing at first, then turned to Scout and, staring into his soul, said, "Remember the lessons." Scout mumbled a "Yeah, I will." and Spy backed off. Pyro was in a corner drawing a RED rocket blasting off into space, and Demo was chugging scrumpy like he always was. After a loud belch, he mumbled, "Imma kill you and I'll keep killing you… and then you'll be dead and I'm gonna…" *BELCH!* Heavy was inspecting his minigun, and Spy, satisfied, sat back to read his newspaper.

On the BLU train…  
"I wonder if they'll think my stuff's interesting…" Engie said not quite to himself. Sniper replied, "Oi dunno, mate. Not many people Oi know do." Medic was ecstatic. "New specimens! It's wunderbar, I tell you! I must prepare zhe equipment!" Soldier was ranting in the corner about "women on the battlefield" (he'd adopted Scout's thinking, apparently) and periodically shouted sexist phrases that echoed through the train car. Everyone ignored him.


	3. Meet the New Mercs!

**A/N: Time for the new mercs to arrive! But who are they? And why are they here? I can't answer the second one yet, for plot reasons, but you'll find out who they are soon. I don't TF2, that would be Valve.**

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The next day, at 2Fort…

The next morning, all the mercs were standing on their respective side of the bridge, when a helicopter arrived. It landed on the bridge's paneling, which could be moved for this purpose, and three people stepped out. The helicopter took off after that, allowing everyone to get a good look at the people who had just arrived. One was Ms. Pauling. The other two, no one knew, though they were very clearly women. They climbed down, and she motioned for everyone to step on the bridge. Then she began. "Alright, so I know what you guys are thinking. 'Who are these people?' Well they're the new recruits. Say hello to the Rearmer and the Declassifier!" There was general confusion. "OK, that probably made no sense. The Rearmer is the one on my left, Declassifier's on my right. I'll let them explain." With that, the Rearmer began. "Hi guys! My name's Rachel, and I'm the Rearmer! My job is simple. I shoot one of you with my first pistol, then I shoot someone else with my second. Then you guys swap guns and stuff!" Heavy roared. "DO NOT TOUCH SASHA!" Rachel jumped back, before saying, "Uh, I hate to break it to you, but that's kind of my job: Give your gun to someone else. Also, Engineer, was it?" Engie nodded. "You'll keep your buildings. Same goes for you, Spy, and your invis watch. If I get killed by one of the people I swapped guns for, you get your guns back!" Everyone nodded, and some sighed knowing they _would_ get their guns back. "By the way, I can set which one I'm swapping. For example, I could switch Soldier's rocket launcher… With Demoman's grenade launcher. But _not_ his sticky launcher. But I _could_ swap Demoman's sticky launcher with Heavy's Sandvich." The mercs nodded. "Oh, and when I set two people to swap, they'll instantly respawn with their new guns. Anyway, it's your turn, Dahlia." The Declassifier, now identified as Dahlia, spoke. "So, like Rachel said, my name's Dahlia, and I'm the Declassifier! What'll happen when I shoot you with my shotgun is this: You turn into a civilian!" Everyone balked at this. "It's not permanent, don't worry. Anyway, what'll happen is you lose all your weapons, and you're given an umbrella you can smack people with. It only lasts for a minute at most, and you still count for objectives! By the way, as a bit of a balancer, if you're a civilian, you count as two people when capping. Scout, you'd be three." Scout pumped his fist. "Yeah! That's cool!" Dahlia continued. "Anyway, I can declassify Rachel, too! When _that_ happens, you'll get your guns back. And if she swaps my shotgun with one of yours… you get the idea. If I get killed or declassified, then everyone goes back to normal. Got it?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Now let's go!" Then Ms. Pauling spoke once more. "For each match, one team will get _either_ the Rearmer or the Declassifier. The other will get the, well other one. As in, if RED got the Rearmer, BLU gets the Declassifier, and vice versa. Got all that? Good. It's a ceasefire today, so let them get settled in. For today, RED has the Rearmer, and BLU has the Declassifier. Now back to your bases!" With that, the mercs filed off to their respective bases, and the two new recruits followed close behind. However, the Medic shouted across the bridge, "Fraulein Rearmer?" Rachel stopped. "What is it, Medic?" "Meet me in zhe lab. I need to add somezhing." "Sure thing, doc! Where is it?" "Zhere are signs. Follow zhem, and you should find it in no time." Rachel nodded, before waving a quick goodbye to Dahlia, before the two ran to their bases.

* * *

In the RED base, Rachel found Scout laying on the couch, tossing his trusty baseball in the air. "Hey, Scout. Where's the room I'll be staying in?" she asked. "Down the hall that says 'Resupply' and then left at the junction. Pretty sure yours is last on the right. Oh, and by da way. Da Administrator changed our contracts a little bit ago, so we can call ourselves by name when not in a match or something. Mine's Jeremy, and you said you're Rachel, right?" She nodded, then replied, "Thanks, Jeremy! I gotta go over to BLU for a bit, though. Medic said he needed to do something." Scout perked up at that. "Oh, dat? Dat's our Uber implant. Let's us be invincible for a bit. You'll wanna take it." Rachel nodded, then sprinted off to the other side. Heavy came in then. "Malyshka was here?" Scout nodded. "She just left for dat heart thingy." Heavy nodded. "Scout." Scout looked at Heavy. "Yeah?" "Do not harass malyshka. There is also other malyshka at BLU." Scout remembered. "Oh, yeah, right! Dahlia, right? We get to meet her tomorrow. That'll be nice." Spy walked in then. "Scout, Heavy is right. Besides, do you not already have Ms. Pauling?" Scout shook his head. "She don't stop by all da time! Dese two, dey're here 24/7!" Spy facepalmed, but continued anyway. "I concede zat. But still. Remember the lessons."

* * *

At BLU base, Dahlia caught up with Rachel as she ran in. "Hey there! How's it going?" she asked. Rachel replied, "Good, mostly. They seem nice." Dahlia laughed. "Wait'll you meet these guys. Engie's amazing, though Soldier's a bit off the deep end." Rachel nodded. "I'll be the judge of that. I'm over here tomorrow, remember?" Dahlia nodded in understanding. "Alright, come on! We've got to get Medic!" And so the two ran towards the lab, and sure enough, Medic was waiting at the operating table. "Ah, frauleins. How good to see you. Vhich of you wants to go first?" Rachel jumped at the opportunity. "Me!" Medic chuckled. "Ah, such enthusiasm! Now, come on, then! Get on!" And so it was that for the next hour or so, Rachel, and then Dahlia, had their torsos opened wide and vital organs removed, until finally, at the very end, the two were free to leave. When they stepped outside, Rachel said, "That was _weird._ I don't want to go back in there…" Dahlia sighed. "You'll have to, I think. Physicals and whatever. Don't worry, I'll go with you when the time comes. Now get back over to your side!" Rachel laughed. "I'm going!" With that, she sprinted out, and across the bridge to the RED side.

* * *

When she got there, she found the false wall near the smaller resupply's drop down, and entered the main base. "Hi guys! I'm back!" Scout jumped up to greet her. "How'd it go?" She shrugged. "It was… _strange_." "Yeah, it is that. Anyway, you wanna know everyone's names?" Scout asked, and she nodded. "Alright, so I'm Jeremy, Soldier's Jane, but just call him Mr. Doe, Pyro, no one knows, Demo's Tavish, Heavy's Misha, short for Mikhail, Engie is Dell, Medic's Mr. Ludwig but no one calls him dat, Sniper is Lawrence, but we just call him Mr. Mundy, and Spy, no one knows because he's Spy." He bowed, and she thanked him, before noticing a set of signs on the wall. She pointed at the first one. It had 'Armory' printed on it. "Hey, what's the armory for?" She asked, only moderately confused. Scout explained, "Oh, we don't use da same guns all da time. That's for when we ain't using 'em." Then she pointed at the next one, which was displaying 'Cosmetics.' "What's _that_ one for?" She was now very confused. Scout replied, "Oh, dat? Dat's for extra clothes or whatever. We got our usual set, but if ya wanna spice things up, dere's stuff for you to wear. Ms. Pauling tell you about the Mann Co. catalog?" Rachel shook her head. "Well, every month everyone gets a copy, and ya order whatever with it. But it comes outta our paychecks." She nodded. "Thanks for explaining that, Jeremy." Scott tipped his cap. "Anytime." With that, she ran down the hall, per the instructions earlier, and found her room. Her symbol was two curved arrows, pointing to each other, forming a circle. She opened the door, and made her way in.

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At BLU base, Dahlia hadn't bothered finding her room yet. She had been more interested in getting acquainted with everyone else. She decided, however, that she would have to eventually, so she went to find Engie. He said, "Down the hall, left at the junction. Yours is last on the left." "Thanks, Dell!" she responded, before sprinting down the hallway. She found her room, easily identified by her symbol, which was the classic 'no' symbol (circle with a diagonal line) she opened the door, to find her weapons in a locker. Her loadout was similar to Engie's, with a shotgun, a pistol (though it only had 3 reserve clips) and, wouldn't you know it? An umbrella. She laughed at the last one. "Well, that's actually kinda funny. I wonder what Rachel has. She's got those dualies, definitely. But what else?" Then she looked at her outfit: It was a color-coded (in this case, blue) polo shirt with her emblem on each arm, and a pair of cargo shorts, with another color-coded stripe down each leg. Her shoes were brownish-black work boots, and she had black socks to go with them. She also had a bowler hat (probably to go with the umbrella that was her melee weapon) After putting it on, she looked at herself in the mirror and said, "I can work with this!" Then, putting her stuff away, she went back outside to show everyone her new uniform.

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At RED base, Rachel found her weapons stored in a similar locker. There were her signature dual revolvers, with two small monitors each: One on top, which displayed the classes targeted, and one in the middle, which displayed the slot she was switching (1-3) Her secondary turned out to be a set of around 10 grenades. They weren't as powerful as Demo's, sure, but they were definitely annoying. Her melee was a knife. Her outfit was a color-coded (in this case, red) t-shirt with her emblem on each arm, and a pair of sweatpants that were a dark grey. She rolled them up, seeing as it was New Mexico. Her shoes were white tennis shoes, with her emblem on the outside of the shoe. She had grey socks as well. She had a baseball cap, and special glasses. When she put them on, she saw that her guns' monitors were relaying the data onto them. "Cool…" She found a mirror, and looking at herself, said, "This is actually pretty neat!" With that, she set her stuff down in a corner, and jogged back out to show off her new uniform.

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 **A/N: Well, what will happen now? Find out in the next chapter, because I'm not telling!**


	4. Let the Fighting Begin!

**A/N: We're gonna skip ahead to the next day, so if you're confused, that's why. But it's mostly because I just wanted to get intros over with.** _ **Anyway**_ **, I don't own TF2, that's Valve, for the record.**

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The next morning, the mercs lined up at the bridge, at which point copies of whoever was missing from one side appeared. Rachel and Dahlia found it rather weird. "So, how does this work?" Dahlia asked. Engie explained. "Respawn creates a copy of us for the day until the Administrator calls it quits, and they've got all the strategic knowledge. Anything outside of battle? Ask the original, since the copies don't know." Dahlia nodded, before explaining it to Rachel. With that, the teams split up to head to their respective spawns. Rachel decided to start at the smaller spawn, as did Sniper, Spy, and Scout. Everyone else chose the large spawn. Then the Administrator boomed through the speaker:

"Mission begins in 60 seconds."

Scout poked Rachel to get her attention. "Don't really pay to much attention to dat. It don't matter all dat much. Not for dis, anyway." Rachel responded, "What is 'this?'" Scout replied, "Capture the Flag. Or in this case, the intel briefcase. It's all the way down at the back of the base, and we gotta grab it and bring it back to our intel." She nodded. "OK. What other things do you do?" Scout replied, "Both RED and BLU trying to cap each other's control points, RED stopping BLU from capping their points or pushing a cart, _both_ RED and BLU pushing a cart, and king of the hill: One point, you gotta cap it and hold it for a set amount of time." She nodded once more. "I see. What's a control point?" Scout replied, "Big, metal disk with a light in the middle. Some are red, some are blue, in certain places the middle point is grey. Oh, and before you ask: Payload cart's a big bomb with a dispenser attached to it inside an old mine cart. Most are blue, some are red." She nodded one final time, and the Administrator boomed again:

"Mission begins in 10 seconds."

"5… 4… 3… 2… 1…"

"START FIGHTING NOW!"

With that, everyone bolted out of the spawn room, and Rachel set to work. The first person she saw when she bolted out of the gate was the BLU Scout, and she quickly switched her revolvers to the third slot. The BLU Scout was focused on dodging RED's Sniper, so she had an easy time marking him for a switch. Then she jumped down, and fired at the BLU Demo, who had gone Demoknight (for reasons) The shot connected, and suddenly, the giant sword he was carrying turned into the Scout's aluminum bat. Meanwhile, said BLU Scout was slowly racking up heads as he swung the massive sword around, though he was rather clumsy with it. "Score!" Rachel said to herself, as she ran into the BLU base. There she bumped into the BLU Spy, and she shot him, after switching to secondaries. As she ran past, she saw Dahlia, who she shot. Dahlia cycled through her weapons to find she had gotten Spy's sapper, while Spy realized he now had a pistol. But before Dahlia could turn Rachel into a civilian, she ran up the stairs, leaving the Declassifier in the dust. Dahlia herself was on her way out when she ran into the RED Scout, who she blasted immediately, leaving him utterly defenseless. He panicked, obviously, and ran. "Haha, first switch!" Then she ran outside, and shot the RED Soldier just as he was about to rocket jump. When he noticed he hadn't gone flying into the air, he screamed, before being chewed up by the BLU Heavy. But Dahlia made the mistake of standing still in the middle of 2Fort. Before she knew it, a bullet found its way into her skull, and everything went black.

* * *

In the resupply, Dahlia woke up a few seconds later, her head still reeling, and she found Engie. "How'd you die?" Dahlia barely choked out, "Headshot…" before vomiting in the middle of the resupply. "Ooh… Yeah, that can happen. The best way to stop that is keep moving when you're in the line of sight. Anyway what's going on now is 'respawn sickness.' All new recruits get it, and it ain't pretty. But there's a treatment for it." With that, he opened up the cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. "Here, take one of these." She did so, and, miraculously, in moments she recovered. "What's in those?" Engie replied, "Solid medigun juice. There's a residue that pools in the medigun that the doc collects, and freezes. He puts it inside a pill like this one, and those go into the health packs. Anyway, you ready to go?" Dahlia replied, "Absolutely! C'mon!" With that, she ran back out, and the first person she shot when she had the chance was the RED Sniper, followed by the RED Medic. At the second one, she said, "That's gonna suck. There's no health packs anywhere!" This left BLU a massive opportunity to charge into the base, having had their weapons restored (Rachel had made the mistake of walking into the intel room without checking for sentries first) That is, until she respawned. They were all storming up the stairs, and the first thing she did was swap the Spy's sapper for the Medic's medigun, then the Engie's shotgun for the Heavy's minigun, and the Declassifier's umbrella for the Scout's bat. She then proceeded to cackle maniacally, and with a coy, "See ya later, boys~! She ran off, before shouting, "C'mon guys! Their base is wide open!" With that, the RED team quickly got its first capture of the day, but just as they were about to grab the intel the second time…

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 **A/N: CLIFFHANGER! DUN DUN DUN! You guys probably think I'm evil, don't you. But I am the author, and whatever I write, goes! So there!**


	5. BLU Bounces Back

**A/N: If you haven't guessed by the title, BLU makes a comeback in this one. But how, exactly? Read on to find out! I don't own TF2, that would be Valve.**

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"Au revoir, mon cheri." Rachel got backstabbed. The Scout's reaction to that was, of course, "Aw, crap," followed by, "We're so screwed…" Then he decided, "Well, we got this far!" grabbed the intel, and booked it as fast as he could. But the whole of BLU team was after him, and then he heard the BLU Medic say the most feared words on the battlefield: "I AM FULLY CHARGED!" But who did he Uber? Well, his beam, having alternated between everyone at that point, landed on Dahlia, who smirked. "Oh, this is gonna be FUN!" With that, she ran in, and the Ubercharge was activated, and she proceeded to declassify every single member of RED team she saw, which was all of them except the Engineer and Pyro. But _they_ were holed up in intel, and everyone knows 2Fort's intel rooms are arguably the most secure places on the planet. Besides, her uber had run out, and the members of BLU that were there knew how much of a choke point the basement was. The BLU Heavy had decided to guard the spawn, though Rachel knew something the rest of them didn't: If she died or got declassified _without_ switching someone's weapon, the person targeted would _stay_ targeted. She hadn't told anyone that, but decided it was high time she did. "Hey guys?" The rest of RED team looked at her. "What?" asked Scout. "If I go out there, I can set the Heavy to be ready to switch. I saw BLU's Engineer earlier, and he's at the grate. So here's the plan: I shoot Heavy, die, but his switch state _stays_. Then I hopefully respawn at the other spawn, and shoot the Engie. Then you guys run for it and mow him down. Got it?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Let's do this." With that, The rest of RED hid behind cover, while Rachel opened the door, and shot Heavy. Then she was, of course, mowed down, because it's a HEAVY, but she respawned at the other spawn (it based it on how crowded it was in the main spawn, and the main spawn was full) after a little bit. Then she dropped down, and shot the Engineer, then shouted, "GO!" With that, everyone sprinted out, took down the Heavy and Engineer and ran down to the basement, where they proceeded to beat Dahlia to death with their umbrellas, giving them their weapons back. The now very scared BLU team ran into the intel, and hoped they could take down everyone inside. Miraculously, they did, and in the meantime, Dahlia, the BLU Heavy, and the BLU Engie made it back to the RED Base in time to grab the intel from the BLU Scout (who had been blown up by one of Rachel's grenades) But Rachel accidentally stepped slightly too far, and was shot point-blank by the Heavy, who passed the intel to Dahlia, who was the fastest of the three, who ran, while the two remaining BLU team members set up a defensive position in the RED courtyard, which was quickly sabotaged by the RED Spy, but it was not _nearly_ enough, as said RED Spy was mowed down before the combined fire of a sentry and a Heavy, and both now rained bullets down on the wave of RED spilling out of the stairs. Then the BLU Engie moved the sentry up top, so it could hit people coming up the spiral, and sure enough, BLU got managed to cap without issue. At this point, the BLU Heavy ran in and grabbed the intel once more, before passing it off the BLU Scout, who had respawned by then and was back at the RED base. He then ran back as fast as he could, dropping the intel off a second time, leaving the score 2-2 (The RED Scout had managed to throw the intel to the RED Pyro before he got declassified) But by now the RED team was respawned, and soon the two teams charged at each other, when the unthinkable happened: Rachel and Dahlia shot each other _at the same time_.

* * *

 **A/N: You might be internally shouting, "NOT AGAIN!" But yes, it did in fact happen again. Just suck it up and be patient. All will be revealed… eventually.**


	6. Unforeseen Consequences

**A/N: So what will happen since they shot each other? Read on to find out! I don't own TF2, that would be Valve.**

* * *

Due to the fact they had each shot the other, Dahlia got the Spy's revolver, and Spy got Dahlia's shotgun, while Rachel got declassified. But that meant Rachel _couldn't_ have gotten declassified, as it counted as a revolver shot, _not_ a shotgun shot, which meant the guns _didn't_ switch, which meant it _was_ , and then the system just decided to kill them both, because they had just spawned a paradox, and it didn't like that. The result was an ear-splitting scream as the two forcefully suicided, and everyone stopped. "What was that?" the RED Sniper asked. "I do not know, bushman." Responded the BLU Spy, but then both Scouts pointed. "Uh, guys? Da girls are dead. Don't know how, since dose guns don't do damage, but yeah. Dey're dead." Then the administrator came on the loudspeakers:

"Due to a rather unfortunate mishap, our two new recruits have been disconnected from respawn. They have respawned now, but if they die again, they will _not_. As such, they cannot participate any longer until the issue is fixed. In the meantime, there will be a ceasefire." Everyone groaned. The match was getting hectic, and it would've been a tight finish, especially with them involved. But it was Administrator's orders, and their contracts mandated that everything the Administrator said was LAW. And so the copies disappeared, and by that point Rachel and Dahlia had stumbled outside. "Ow…" "What happened…" Scout ran up to Rachel. "You good yet?" Rachel mumbled a, "Not really…" Before he darted off to Dahlia. "You feeling OK?" He got a similar reaction. Medic decided to attempt to heal the two of them with the Medigun, but it didn't really work. "GAH! Dummkopfs! Help me!" But no one had any idea how to. Engie broke the temporary silence. "Hate to break it to ya, Doc, but I think we just gotta wait it out. Maybe something from spawn might do it." Medic narrowed his eyes. "THEN GRAB IT ALREADY, DUMMKOPF!" Engie jumped back. "Hey, Scout! Get the doc some meds!" Scout nodded, then sprinted into the spawn room and opened the locker. "Dammit! I dunno what half dis crap even is! Alright, dink Scout. Dey got headaches. Aspirin's good fo dat. But do we even got aspirin in here?" Hey looked through the cabinet, then found a small bottle labeled 'Aspirin.' Grabbing it, he ran back outside and jumped down. "Hey guys! Got da crap!" He tossed the bottle of pills to Medic, who then gave each of them a pill. "Alright, now we wait for zhe pills to kick in. Luckily zhe Medigun increases metabolism." Sure enough, the aspirin soon kicked in, and the two managed to stand up. Rachel asked when she stood up. "Alright, what happened?"

* * *

Sniper answered that. "You two shot each other, and then your guns got confused, and since those are connected to the bloody Resupply machine, Oi think it killed you to stop a paradox." They groaned. Dahlia muttered, "Really?" Then, Rachel said, "Alright, so we _won't_ shoot each other at the same time. But only if she's my second person. If she's my first, nothing should happen, or if I'm not on primary at the time. Got that." With that settled, Demo asked, "Now lassies, what'll we do now? I dinnae ken meself." Everyone shrugged. Spy then said, "We should get inside first. I do _not_ want to suffer heat stroke." There were murmurs of agreement, and they all convened on RED side (Technically the mercs were on _both_ sides, and they had found that out after the Robot Wars. It was… sobering. In every sense. However, given that most of them didn't have much else to do, they just stayed as, well, mercs. The Administrator had actually made it impossible to leave, and even though everyone _thought_ she had died, she showed up again, courtesy of some more Australium hidden somewhere) And so it was that the mercs were sitting in the living room at 2Fort, RED side, not having the slightest idea as to what to do during the ceasefire. The Administrator, Ms. Pauling, _and_ the Medic had all made it clear in their own ways that extra training was _not_ a satisfactory option. Soldier objected to this, but he was outvoted 8 to 1. And so they just sat there. Thinking. Then Scout said, "Why don't we watch a movie? I got nothin' betta to do." And so the mercs all plopped down to watch a movie. But now the question was… What to watch? You'd think a question like that would be easy for the mercs, having lived together for half a decade now. Even the new additions thought they had it figured out. But, mercs being mercs, it was bound to get ugly. Scout put in the first suggestion. Spy immediately rejected it, prompting the Bostonian to hop up out of his seat and punch the Frenchman in the face. Spy, shocked, stumbled into Demo, who turned around. Scout explained what had happened, then Demo said no, and suggested his own movie, but then Soldier called Demo a hippie, and it eventually spiraled out of control, resulting first in shouting, and then a brawl. And in the confusion, Dahlia ended up getting her shirt ripped off. She reacted by screeching, "EEK! PERVERTS!" The fighting stopped, and Scout crawled out of the pile. "Yo, not sure who did dat, bet dey's going down! I'mma make sure of it!" Dahlia looked at him. "Really?" Scout nodded. "Yeah! Scout's honor!" Dahlia pulled him in for a hug, her rather large assets pushing against his chest. Rachel laughed. Then, noticing Scout was turning a light shade of blue, she said, "Dahlia, I think you might be crushing him." Dahlia let go after that, spewing a quick apology. Scout waved it off. "Trust me. Heavy's worse. _Much_ worse." Rachel, meanwhile, decided enough was enough and said she planned on heading back to her room. Dahlia was, too, understandably. But as they left, Pyro ran up to them, grabbed their wrists, and yanked them to its room, where it promptly bolted the door shut.

* * *

Outside, everyone else was confused. "What was _dat?_ " Scout asked. No one knew, and they returned to what they were doing earlier. Sniper went back to his van, Spy picked up the newspaper he had been reading, Engie went down to the workshop, Medic and Heavy were playing chess again, and Soldier and Demo were having a drinking competition. That left Scout by himself, with nothing to do, again. "Oh come on, really?" And so he made it his mission to find out what the hell was going on in Pyro's room.

* * *

Speaking of Pyro's room, Pyro had taken its mask off to reveal a woman of Hispanic descent. "Hey guys! You two have no idea how long I've waited for more women to arrive! I mean, seriously, it's ridiculous. I'm Carla, by the way." Rachel and Dahlia were still a little shocked at the reveal, but went along with it. Pyro then took her suit off, revealing that she was a little flat compared to them. She was also not very tall, only at 5'7". But that didn't bother her. "So, what did you two do before you were mercs?" Rachel said, "Arms dealer." Dahlia said, "Rachel's supplier." Pyro then said, "Alright, so how'd you get involved with Mann Co?" Dahlia thought back to that day. "It was a little bit ago. I'd found a crate filled to the brim with guns that I knew Rachel would like, so I sent it to her. Next thing I know there's this woman talking to her about illegally owned Mann Co stuff. Then she gave us the contracts, and we said, why the hell not?" Pyro then asked, "Where are you two from?" Rachel said, "New Jersey." Dahlia said, "New York." Pyro giggled a little. "Wait, but I thought New Yorkers hated New Jersey." Rachel shrugged. "It's different for us. She's the next in line to inherit the Capisi legacy. Or, she was." Pyro gaped. "Capisi!? You're Dahlia Capisi?" Dahlia nodded. "Yep. I met Rachel in college, but we dropped out for reasons. You?" Pyro began, "So, I'm Mexican. That part's obvious. I came here with my family when I was little, and I've actually always lived in New Mexico. Those damn goggles in my suit are weird, by I accepted them." The other two then asked to try them on. When they did… "Woah… This is trippy…" Pyro laughed. "I know, right? Here, I'll take them off." Soon they were back to the normal world. "That's what I see on the battlefield. I know there's blood and gore and whatever, and I hate that, but having them on let me ignore it." Rachel then said, "So who else knows your gender?" Pyro replied, "Medic. Scout always calls me out for being a girl, but no one really believes him." Dahlia had to laugh at that. "He's adorable!" Pyro scoffed. "Adorable? Puh-lease, he's a man-child who hits on every woman he sees." Dahlia pouted. "Don't crush my dreams!" Pyro just put her hand on Dahlia's head. "Look. I know he sounds great, but you haven't lived with him for half a decade." Rachel put her hand on Dahlia's shoulder. "You know, Pyro's probably right. Wait and see, maybe?" Dahlia nodded. "Fine, _mom._ " They all had to laugh at that. Then they heard a voice shout from the kitchen, "Dinner's ready!" And so with that, they unlocked the door and went out.

* * *

 **A/N: And Pyro's gender is revealed! Now that all that info's out of the way, I'll make a little bio sheet as a bonus with your next chapter. And if you're wondering,** _ **no,**_ **Spy's name will** _ **not**_ **be revealed. At all. Ever.**


End file.
